Have Fun Cooking, England
by WaveRunner
Summary: America and France are tired of getting poisoned by England's food. So they signed him up for cooking class! Now they find out the chef is Spain and England is pissed off. usuk and humored story about teaching England how to cook. Oneshot


**Have fun cooking, England**

America and France snickered loudly as their plan was put into action. Their plan was to help England with his 'special cooking ability' by signing him up for cooking classes, so every nation wouldn't have to suffer anymore. As the door opened, they dropped the letter in the mailbox.

'_Shit.'_ America thought as he heard that oh so familiar voice screech at him and France:

"Why the bloody hell are you two here?" England screeched so loud birds flew away from them.

"Why,_ mon ami, _don't you appreciate are company?" France said slyly, while doing his signature hair flip.

"Why would I ever enjoy **your **company, frog?" England said while his eye twitched.

"DON'T LEAVE THE HERO OUT OF THIS ARGUMENT!" America screamed so loud, a tree limb fell right next to France, causing the most 'manliest' screech to emanate from his mouth.

_Sigh. _"Why are you even here? And every time you two show up, bad things follow, especially you." England pointed accusingly at France and sent him a glare full of green fire.

"Ohohohohon~ you know you appreciate my sexiness." This statement earned a slap by both England and America.

"Shut it, frog, and answer my bloody question!" England scowled at the two nations (but mostly France).

_Sigh. _"Well, we signed you up for cooking classes so we didn't have to suf- I mean so we could have more of your 'delicious food." America said.

"….YOU WHAT?" England screeched loud enough for a bird to get so scared, it crapped on France's head.

"NO, NOT MY GORGEOUS HAIR! WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE SHITTED ON ANGLETERRE'S HEAD!" France screamed, but a squirrel threw an acorn at his head instead of the two other nations that looked like they would explode from laughter.

"OH VOUS VISSEZ MÈRE NATURE!" the Frenchman screamed.

"Now now Francis'. No need to get pissed at nature when it doesn't like you." America said in his 'wise guy' voice.

"Taire, l'Amérique!"France said .

" Anyway, I'm not going to a bloody cooking class! My cooking ability is reflective of my people!" England said proudly.

"That just explains why you need this cooking class even more." America said amused.

" What that supposed to mean you bloody wanker!" England said obviously unamused.

"Well facts say that you are the most tasteless country and that all your cooking does is kill everyone's taste buds! Oh and you also made me throw up all night just from your plate of 'scones'." America said.

An enraged England came at America and started to strangle him until he was pried off by France.

"Ont encore tension sexuelle entre vous deux,no?" France inquired which earned him a glare from America, since he can speak many different languages after being a cultural mixing pot.

"Disons simplement obtenir hm à la cuisine classe avant qu'elle commence!" America said.

"Fine. Come on Angleterre time for some cooking classes." France said while dragging England away with the help of America.

"Hola and welcome to my cooking class! I'll be your handsome host, Spain!" the Spanish man said

"Can I go now?" the impatient Briton said.

"NO! You must learn to cook so we won't all die from your rancid 'food'." Spain said in his cheerful voice.

"Oh that's it you little-" England said before getting pounced on by America.

"No IGGY! Don't kill him! We need you in this class!" America said with his all famous pout on.

"Fine. But you owe me." England said grudgingly.

"Oh I know how to repay you~!" America said in a sing-song voice.

"You little perv!" England screeched loudly but was blushing to heavily to be taken seriously.

"Let's continue on with the lesson" Spain announced loudly.

"No way in fucking hell am I learning from you!" England said angrily.

"Shut it, tea sucker, and just deal with it. Spain said angrily.

"First cut the tomato into little slices!" Spain said while lifting his knife up. "I'm not an idiot!" England said waving the knife dangerously at Spain. "I know you're not, but when it comes to cooking you catch anything you touch on fire." Spain said matter of factly. " I WILL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE PEDOPHILE!" England shouted while his fingers started to glow green. "No England, do not use magic on Spain!" America shouted while using his inhuman strength to hit England's hand. "Fine." England said angrily. "And touch my hand one more time I will break them in two!" England finished off. "Your too tsundere for anyone's own good." America mumbled under his breath. "Hm? What was that?" England asked curiously. "Nothing!" America said while turning bright red.

"Hey pay attention or you'll both fail and we will have to meet up next week~" Spain said. "No way in hell will I ever come back!" America and England said in unison. "Well me too, so pay attention!" Spain said while finally cutting up his tomato. "Next we get out all the randomly mixed herbs in this can!" Spain said while grabbing the can. "Like this England." America said while helping England get the can open. "S-shut up!" England said while blushing. "Next mix it up!" Spain said while pulling a spoon out of thin air. "England can't you stir ingredients?" America asked while approaching England._ I think he's doing it on purpose now. _America thought a she saw a smile on England's face as he helped England again. "Now get out the chips.' Spain said a he opened the bag. "England you can open the damn bag of chips without my help!" America said as he saw England 'accidently' struggling with the bag. "Please?" England said as he pouted at America. _'Damn him and his ukeish actions of cuteness! He can use those powers to his advantage on me a lot. _America thought as he walked (once again!) to England's cooking station. "Thank you, love~." England replied as America walked off. "Shut up!" America replied back. "Finally dip the chip and take a bite!" Spain said oblivious to the mood. "Good salsa, man." America said as he tried his and Spain's. _Now England's salsa._ America thought as he walked over to England's station. As America took a bite, England watched eagerly in anticipation. _Oh my god, this taste like shit still!_ America thought but then saw England's face and remembered when England would that to him when he was a child._ Might as well as lie. _America thought as he got ready to reply to Arthur.

"This taste delicious!" America said as he received a hug from England. As Spain heard this he approached the salsa and took a bite. "Oh Dios mío! Este gusto como mierda!" Spain said as he coughed it out. "Alfred what did Spain say?" England asked as he looked at America. "He said it was delicious." America said nervously. "Liar! I said it tasted like shit!" Spain screeched loudly. "A-Alfred is this true?" England asked as tears formed in his eyes. "Y-yes it is." America gave in as he looked at England. "I guessed that you were lying at first." England said calmly as he wiped his eyes. "But my cooking is fine! And I'm never coming back here, so bye!" England said as he pulled America behind him.

**End**

**A/N: I had this idea for a while now but never finished until now. I love writing about English cooking disabilities. This is also off of an experience today while I was making muffins. I totally screwed up and was like ' my English side is showing!' but then my mom had one and was like 'this is really good!' and I said 'my god what is wrong with you'. Anyway I hoped you enjoyed my first fic! Comments and reviews are appreciated very much!**

**Translation:**

Ont encore tension sexuelle entre vous deux,no

**Still have sexual tension between you two, no.**

ANGLETERRE'S

**ENGLAND'S**

OH VOUS VISSEZ MÈRE NATURE!

**OH SCREW YOU MOTHER NATURE**

Taire, l'Amérique!

**Shut up, America**

Mon ami

**My friend**

Disons simplement obtenir hm à la cuisine classe avant qu'elle commence

**Let's just get him to cooking class before it starts**

Oh Dios mío! Este gusto como mierda!

**Oh my god! This tastes like shit!**


End file.
